A Totally Subjective and Somewhat Kayfabe 2018 Royal Rumble Ranking (Part Two)

We’re back for Part Two of the 2018 Royal Rumble rankings. If you haven’t read the first part of these rankings, they cover the major players in this year’s Women’s Royal Rumble match—the first of its kind. This set of rankings, though, covers the other side of the coin: the men’s Royal Rumble. Unlike the women’s match, this year’s Rumble is far from the first for the men. As a result, it’s much harder to take a look at the men’s roster to find a clear-cut winner. This year’s field is wide-open, which is why these rankings are a bit longer than Part One. Like with the women, we’ll take a look at histories, abilities, chances of victory, potential futures, and any other factor that might come into play when figuring out who will win this year’s Royal Rumble and punch their ticket to the Wrestlemania 34. Once again, let’s get ready to rumble.

Tier 3: Cold

12. The Undertaker

Until Undertaker retires on camera he is a threat to show

up at any event—even any moment. Father Time is undefeated, but if anybody can get hang that first L on him it’s the Deadman. On the other hand, he is closer to zombie than human at this point.

Threat Level: The girl in your class who seems cool until she says her favorite book is the Bible.

11. Randy Orton

Just this past week Orton put down both Nakamura and Corbin in short order, sending a message to everybody in the company and the world that, yes, Randy Orton is still the coolest cat around. As if we needed a reminder. Still, three time Royal Rumble winners are rare, as are back-to-back Rumble winners. It seems unlikely that the Viper is going to join both of those categories on Sunday, especially when you factor in that he hasn’t exactly been lighting the world on fire lately. Since dropping the title to Jinder Mahal, Randy has mostly been a support player on Smackdown. On the plus side, we should still get to see Randy toss out about a thousand RKOs before being eliminated late in the game.

Threat Level: Alberto Del Rio that one time he tried to imitate Orton and immediately got popped for it

10. Jason Jordan

Jason Jordan, the second most annoying human being who has ever lived. Ugh. Next, please.

Threat Level: A fire alarm that’s low on batteries and never stops beeping

Tier 2: Getting Warmer

9. John Cena

Oof, now Jason Jordan doesn’t seem so bad. Here is John Cena, the first most annoying human being who has ever lived. Like Randy Orton, it seems unlikely that Cena becomes a three-time Rumble winner on Sunday. On the flip side, Cena is a 16-time World Champion who always seems to wind up the winner in the biggest possible moments. Don’t get fooled into thinking his recent trips to Hollywood make him less likely to stay on top of the WWE mountain—if anything, they increase his chances. Cena will never be the star that the Rock has become (or so I keep trying to tell myself), but he’s still gaining fame outside the wrestling sphere. It’s a longshot, but crazier decisions have been made by the man who just decided to re-launch a 20-year old failed football league.

Threat Level: The crushing realization that life never changes, and we are doomed to repeat ourselves.

8. Chris Jericho

Y2J’s involvement in Japan makes his chances of even appearing in this year’s Rumble seem very low, but Jericho has built a career on shock appearances and returns. From his initial debut in 1999 to his sudden run in NJPW this year, Jericho knows how the right moment can setup a colossal run of successes. His presence at Raw 25 means that he’s still on good terms with the company, and the Royal Rumble is a match that the author of the List clearly thrives in. After all, you don’t earn a nickname like the 61-minute man for nothing.

Threat Level: Batista, when you’re the leader of Evolution and get too obsessed with taking down the Shield

7. Seth Rollins

It’s hard not to feel bad for the Architect lately. He went from being one-third of the recently reformed Shield, to one-half of a tag team with his Boss’ unbelievably obnoxious son. No wonder he’s resorted to stomping people’s heads into the canvas. Regardless, Rollins is one of the best wrestlers in the world, and possibly the best athlete in WWE. He’s never won a Royal Rumble, the Philly crowd will go nuts for him, and he has plenty of history and unfinished business with the current champ. If Brock Lesnar can put down Strowman and Kane, it would be easy to get psyched for a Wrestlemania rematch against the man who stole his title in 2015.

Threat Level: Bugs Bunny in a barbershop

6. Samoa Joe

The Samoan Submission Machine is a big question mark in this year’s Rumble. He’s been out for several weeks, but before his absence he was shaping up to be one of the hottest names on Raw. His feud with Brock Lesnar over the summer may have been the best rivalry of 2017, and reigniting that fire between the Beast and Triple H’s Destroyer seems would be a red-hot way to go into Wrestlemania. If it wasn’t for the question marks surrounding his availability, Joe would even higher on this list. Here’s hoping we can spend the Road to Wrestlemania watching Paul Heyman get choked out, one Coquina Clutch at a time.

Threat Level: LL Cool J from the movie Deep Blue Sea.

5. The Miz

There are not many performers in the business hotter than the Miz has been over the past two years. He’s now an 8-time Intercontinental champion, roughly one-hundred days from having the most time spent as the IC champ, and probably a surefire Hall of Famer. On top of all that, Miz now holds a huge victory over the Big Dog, Roman Reigns. That’s a great resume that gets even better once you realize that Chris Jericho is the only man with more IC title reigns, and that Miz has done most of this work while also being the best dressed member of the roster—male or female.

Threat Level: Shane McMahon at a Nike outlet going out of business sale

4. Braun Strowman

Okay, picture this: Brock Lesnar steals the Universal Title from Braun Strowman by tossing him out of the ring and stealing the pin on Kane. The Royal Rumble is going along swimmingly, until, at Number 30, the most terrifying phrase in the world comes over the PA. “BROCK LESNAR…I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!” Strowman proceeds to eliminate everybody left in the match, and then everybody left in the arena for good measure.

Threat Level: Bane breaking Batman’s back

Tier 1: Scalding Hot

3. Shinsuke Nakamura

Ever since Nakamura’s debut on Smackdown after Wrestlemania 33, all signs have been pointing towards a Wrestlemania throw down between Nakamura and WWE Champion AJ Styles. At New Japan Pro Wrestling’s Wrestle Kingdom 10, Nakamura and Styles lit the wrestling world on fire with an insane match that could go down as the best of both men’s careers. A rematch at Wrestlemania 34 for the WWE Championship wouldn’t just be a potential show stealer; if they didn’t reach Match of the Year status it would be a legitimate shock. He doesn’t done a whole lot since his call-up from NXT, but there’s no better time to turn your fortunes around than the Royal Rumble. Look for a late entry and a big impact from the King of Strong Style.

Threat Level: Darth Vader when you use force lightning to electrocute his estranged son

2. Roman Reigns

The initials R.R. could stand for Roman Reigns, but they could just as easily stand for Royal Rumble. Either way, it might as well as be the same. The Royal Rumble is Roman Reigns’ event. Randy Orton owns Survivor Series, Shawn Michaels owns Wrestlemania, Bret Hart owns Summerslam, and Roman Reigns is making a play to own the Royal Rumble. Reigns has participated in four Rumbles before this and made it into the last three of each match. In 2014 Reigns earned the record for most eliminations in a Rumble match (12…of a possible 29 which seems impossible but is actually just awesome), and he won the 2015 edition. Reigns seems to get better with every match, but since that 2015 victory the Big Dog is probably the most hated man in wrestling. That all started with the crowd in Philadelphia three years ago, and now it’s come full circle. Since that time, Reigns has become the top star in WWE, and his history with either Brock Lesnar or Braun Strowman would set-up a Becky Lynch-level straight fire main event in New Orleans. However, the fact that this year’s Rumble is in that same building he was famously booed out of hurts his chances of winning just enough to slip from the top spot.

Threat Level: Kenny Omega when somebody else claims they’ll have the best match of the night

1. Finn Balor

Finn Balor versus Brock Lesnar is the match that WWE has secretly been building towards for the better of the past year. While the whole world waits for Lesnar vs. Reigns II: This Time It’s Personal, Balor and Lesnar have quietly been on a collision course for Wrestlemania 34. Balor, the first ever Universal Champion, is aiming to regain what he never lost since forfeiting the title due to injury after Summerslam 2016. Lesnar, the current champion, has burned through almost every viable contender on the Raw side—except for Balor. Finn hasn’t exactly been lighting the world on fire since his return, but the recent formation of the Balor Club is a good sign. Finn is an incredible athlete and competitor, but Brock Lesnar cannot be beaten without help. Finn now has that in Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows, but he also has something that no other performer can fall back on—the Demon. On April 8th, that Demon will walk into New Orleans alongside the Club and finish a journey that starts this Sunday in Philadelphia.

Threat Level: Too Sweet